I'M GOING TO BURN YOUR DRESS !!!

I realise that in today's politically correct world we are supposed to deal with children in an intelligent understanding manner. But sometimes, just sometimes, I slip back in to prehistoric mode and let loose and say things (on second thought make that scream things) that will probably leave permanent scars.I spent yesterday looking after my five year old niece and now I think I need two weeks in a rest home. Yes my friends, this tiny little scrap of a person got the better of me. She looks so lovely and then she opens her mouth and the charade is over. As long as she goes through life with her mouth shut she will do just fine. I actually think the family is all going to put their hands in their pocket's so we can hire an exorcist for this dear little demon from hell.

I swear this child takes speed before very meal. She can outrun me,outshout me and comes up with more one liners than Billy Connolly. I try so hard to be a good Aunt who spends quality time doing crafts and educational pastimes with her, but I gave up when she painted the dog and stapled the cat. I just looked my poor animals in the eye with a knowing look that said "yes, I do think it's time for a priest".

I even went out and brought this child of satan a fairy outfit with a wand, wings and a halo of flowers, and she pranced around in it all day while hitting other children with the wand and trying to cast wicked spells on the family. Everything I asked her to do was met with crossed arms and a loud NO. The tantrums were so frequent and so disturbing by the end of the day the panadol supply had run out (for me not her). Drugs, you'd need a whole pharmacy to cope with this kid.

Finally my hours of torture were over and it was time for bed, but do you think she would take the fairy dress off? Of course not. I tried asking nicely, I tried blackmail, I tried begging on my knees and ending up with no dignity whatsoever finally.....I'm ashamed to admit......I lost it.I screamed in full operatic voice 'I'M GOING TO BURN YOUR DRESS".There was stunned silence from everyone. My mother was appalled and my son was rolling around on the lounge in hysterics because he couldn't believe I had threatened a five year old, and my niece, well she just looked at me with a grin on her face and said "get lost".And so Isobelle (who shall now be known as Regan) went to bed with a smile on her little face and her fairy dress intact and I got out the "good parenting" book.

I HEAR HIM STILL

I have just spent the afternoon watching The Phantom of The Opera. For others this may well be just another movie but for me, it brings tears to my eyes.I hear the music and it brings back the most wonderful memories of my life. Years ago my mother was sitting at her piano and manged to get my little boy to sing her a song. Some time after she came to me and said "you have to take him along to singing lessons, he has a beautiful voice". So along we went to the first of many lessons. This shy little roly poly boy had the voice of an angel that entranced everyone who heard it.I remember the pride I felt when he first sang in front of an audience. He was so scared and thier was an audience of about 800 people, but out he came, a little boy of nine in the middle of a huge stage, he opened his mouth and sang "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" in his soprano voice and the whole room went silent. I was so happy for him. For years he had been make a target by the "popular" kids at school, and made to feel like he was nothing. Well he was something, he outshone them all.

It was the start of many performances, many awards and years of me sitting in the audience knowing that this gentle boy was something special. And then came "Phantom". I took him along to see the show and it sank into his soul. He constantly listened to the soundtrack and learned every song. He sang the songs at home all the time, and eventually was confident enough to try them in fornt of an audience. I wish more than anything you could all have heard him sing "Music Of The Night". He didn't need the props, he didn't need a mask, he just stood on that stage and commanded everyone's attention. It was the most wonderful thing I had ever heard, and Evan never knew that every time he sang it I would be in my seat with tears in my eyes. I can still hear him singing that song.As you all probably know, Evan is now the singer of a jazz band "The Velvet Set", and they are fantastic. He is professional, polished and confident in his singing, but the memory of that dear little roly poly boy is so precious to me.I hope that if as I get older and loose my memory, if everything else vanishes from my mind, the sound and vision of Evan singing "Music Of The Night" is the very last memory I have, and I will probably still fill up at the thought of it.

YOU CAN'T CURE WHAT ISN'T A DISEASE

This morning I awoke to another sleazy message from yet another penis obsessed male of the species. What possesses these cave men to write suggestive messages to women they haven't even seen ? Oh wait...I know the answer to that one, the brain that lives in thier trousers.Fucking idiots !!! And men think women are dumb!!!I am no oil painting but I wouldn't lower myself to proposition a man, because to me life is not just about getting my rocks off. If it was then these morons would have come out of thier mother's womb as an 8 pound penis with legs and arms. I value myself far to much to EVER want to get to know these pathetic scrotums.And so after blocking this fool that probably writes these messages with the end of his dick, I sat down to watch a bit of Dr Phil. Know what the subject was?A wife and husband who are on the brink of divorce because of his sex addiction. This piece of filth that she married went on to explain his "addiction". He exposes himself on public streets, he has sex with other men and then goes home and sleeps with his wife, he has arranged many, many sexual liasons with strange women over the years, and a lot of the sex was quite perverse. Then this disgusting loser goes on to say he made a porn clip in his little girl's bedroom !!He buys porn every day, watches porn every chance he can get, his whole existance revolves around the little pink thing in his pants. While explaining all the things he has done behind his wife's back he kept referring to himself as two people like this...."when my addiction was picking up men for oral sex"......"when my addiction was exposing himself". Bullshit I say. I don't believe for a minute people do anything depraved or illicit unless they want to. Everybody has a bloody excuse for unacceptable behaviour now, it is never their fault, it's thier addiction. Who teaches men that this is the way to behave? Why do they think that sex is everything, and everything else pales in comparison? I have no sympathy for him and his so called "disease". He is not under the influence of drugs when he makes his sicko movies, he is not drunk when he exposes his pathetic little member to others, he is not brain damaged and I don't believe in sex addiction.What I do believe is that there are a lot of bleeding hearts who these cretins take advantage of, what I do believe is that our morals have declined so much we make excuses for unacceptable behaviour, what I do believe is that men like these are perverts and nothing else.You know who the dumb women are? The idiots that stay with these dirtbags because "I LOVE HIM".

THE PRISONER

She is a mass of blonde curls
an abundance of giggles
a well of innocence
still unjaded and pure
a delight who delights
with unbridled joy
in everything around her

this is my prisoner
she is kept in my heart
under lock and key
and released to run wild inside me

so I never forget the joy of puppy breath
how to lose myself in a fairytale
to want Dorothy to find her way home
to let the giggles wash over me
even when trying to act “grown up”

Never to be released
she is my reminder of childhood
my leftovers of wonderment

copyrighted to

Gaye McInnes

THE FUNNY SIDE OF MENTAL

For all of you out there who think that there is not a funny side to being nuts let me assure you there is. All my life I have been extremely anxious but about ten years ago I really went out of my tree. I started having panic attacks with ever increasing frequency until I was just one big ball of anxiety. Now at the time it wasn't funny but a friend and I were in hysterics on the weekend talking about the insanity that was me. She stuck through it all with me and on many an occasions would drive me to the doctor's because I swore the pain in my head was a massive brain tumour and I could drop dead at any given moment.
On one particular occasion I was on my way to work and decided that because I had not been to the loo in quite a few days I MUST have bowel cancer, so off I went to the hospital and demanded that they give me all the tests required to tell me I was dying and I would never shit normally again,. Instead they gave me an enema!! How embarrassing.....I lost more wieght in the next two days than a year of dieting could have done.
Then there was the episode of the Fistula. Now don't worry if you have no idea what this medical term means, I had no idea either.....but I just knew it was going to kill me. I sat in my doctor's office while he told me maybe that could be the cause of my ongoing hypercondria (not sure if the spellings right!!) and of course I instantly went into panic mode. I jumped up and ran out the door flying home to inform my mother that my fistula was going to kill me and there was nothing they could do. Of course while running down the street with my eyeballs popping out of my head and tears rolling down my rosy red cheeks every mother in the street pushed thier children behind them to protect them from the mad woman coming towards them.
You know it would not have mattered if the doctor had told me I had halitosis, I would have screamed out in despair "help me ..my hali's got a disease and I am not long for this world".And my poor son, I think I drove him insane as well because he had to live with the lobotomy that used to be his mother. One night we went shopping and while wheeling a shopping trolley around amongst hordes of the sane I thought I was going to pass out. I told him "quick, stand perfectly still because I am going to faint and I need to hold on to the trolley for a minute to keep me upright". Well I didn't faint, but he nearly did., I mean what could he have done if I passed out anyway? Run to the Butcher's and screamed "please help me, there is a big slab of meat lying on the floor and I need you to help me put it in the trolley"!!
I couldn't even manage to walk up the street without thinking I was going to have a major heart attack and die in the street like a hobo. I hid in phone boxes if I saw a dog because I was certain it was going to chew my leg off, I took myself off to hospital numerous time with chest pains.......I think I must have had about nine heart attacks in the space of a few months. I shouted at the doctor that it wasn't in my head and I was dying of something but he was just too stupid to find out what. How that doctor suffered...and of course there was the episode where he insisted I have a cancer smear and then could not find my cervix!!!!
It was there but because of previous operations covered by scar tissue. But in my mind it had been consumed by the cervical cancer I KNEW I had and that's why he couldn't find the dear little thing. Well I am almost sane again and it took a long time but after taking insanity pills for a few years and the doctor finally convincing me that I had one of the best imaginations he had ever come across.
I am better at last, well sort of...I am still a bit nuts but I actually think the insanity that still lives in me was there at birth and not much can be done about it.

Currently reading:My Lobotomy

ONE MORE DAY

I read my friend Kyrenzas blog with much interest and some amazement tonight because what she wrote about was what I had been thinking about the last couple of days. I follow anything British, TV, celebrities, the Royal Family, comics....anything really. So I tend to know a lot of what is going on over there. Over the last few years there has been a young woman who has outraged some, offended others, entertained many and made a lot of very public mistakes to her own detriment. Jade Goody is her name and wether you love her or hate her she has had to face what no 27 year old should have to. Terminal cancer.I have followed her story with interest and curiosity at first, and as her cancer has progressed my interest has turned to compassion and sadness. Her journey has been filmed because she wants to leave enough money to provide for her two little boys, but it is so very personal and confronting to watch a yong person fade away from an illness that is so cruel. And in many pictures I have looked at there are the very sad eyes of her little ones staring back at me. She has been a loudmouth, abrasive, rude and offensive in the past BUT she is 27. Maybe she hasn't been a good example to the TV audience, and maybe she has made some horrendous choices and opened her mouth when she should have kept it shut, but I am a lot more offended by Paris Hilton, she has had all the advantages in life Jade Goody never had and still turned out a useless piece of fluff who brings nothing to the world (especially class).I guess what I am trying to put into words is that as I sat imagining what it must be like to be in your twenties and beg for one more day, to watch your babies play, to see your mum, to kiss the man you love, just one more day of a very young life.......it just struck me how sad this is.I watched a small piece of footage from the show that is being made about her struggle with cancer on U tube tonight and it made me cry. Maybe you don't like her, maybe you are just not interested but the horror and reality of this show may save your daughter's life. If one girl watches this and then goes along for her cancer smear then Jade Goody has done more in 27 years than I have in 52. I wish her calmness and I hope she is surrounded by love in her final days, she is much too young to have this happen to her in my opinion.This link to U Tube is a preview of the upcoming show that has followed her battle with cancer and it so very sad but maybe it will drive the message home to our girls, DON'T IGNORE YOUR HEALTH.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=krpFoZN8nSs

SUPERWOMAN AND HER SKINNY SIDEKICK

Okay if I haven't told you before how mental my family is, then let me tell you this little tale and I am sure you will need no further convincing. I rang the sister this morning and she told me a story about sweet niece that mortified me. Seems sister was in bed the other night snoring like a man (as usual) and about four in the morning she was woken by pathetic whining coming from the back yard. So she arose from her slumber, wiped the spittle from her mouth and plodded out to investigate. Said sister saw the family dog with his nose pushed up against the backyard fence looking out longingly towards the park, then sister noticed sweet nieces dog, {who is really a horse}was missing!

So sister goes inside to awaken sweet niece from slumber and inform her that horsedog is missing. Guess what? Sweet niece was missing. So okay the plot thickens. Sister then goes and looks over the fence to see sweet niece and horsedog hiding in some bushes stalking dickhead delinquents ,who apparently had thrown a brick in thier pool and were knocking on the laundry door, just basically behaving like the teenage dickheads that they are. So dickhead delinquents then see sweet niece and horsedog hiding ,and make a break for it. By this time the whole family is awake and sweet niece and horsedog return home to their loving family. Does she go back to bed? NO.

Sweet niece then grabs 11 year old nephew to be her skinny sidekick!WHY? So she jumps into her superhero four wheel drive with horsedog, skinny sidekick and turns into..............Wait for it..................REVENGEWOMAN.

Skinny sidekick tells sister later on that revengewoman sits behind the wheel of her superhero four wheel drive muttering "we are going to get those fuckers" CHARMING. She then proceeds to drive up on to the embankment onto the grass of the park turn on her high beam, {which shall now be known as super ray light weapon}and proceeds to try and run them over!!!!! Poor skinny sidekick must have been terrified. And dickhead delinquents apparently went screaming off into the blackness of night. Bet they never bother sweet niece again. Anyone in need of a hit man, I may just have the woman for you?

GERIATRIC PERFORMERS AND GREEDY CLUBS

Yesterday I went to watch my son perform in a show at one of the many clubs in sydney and he was of course BRILLIANT!!
There were three acts, and he was the first performer, and after he was finished the next act was introduced and wheeled on stage (the rest of the acts were senior citizens). I have been to so many shows and am constantly amazed at the age of the band members and some of the performers. I know some of these musicians are very good but if they never retire when do the younger generation of musicians ever get a go? There is work out there for rock bands but there are a whole range of other acts that need work as well, and they can't get any because Sydney clubs refuse to change thier old acts.

When are the people that book the acts for these places going to give the younger entertainers a fair go and give them a decent amount of work ?

I have seen so many fantastic young performers over the last few years and they need to be seen. I know that the older entertainers need work as well but they have also had many years of work out of a small industry and its time to showcase some of the younger talent we have in this country.
Yes there is a healthy live scene in Sydney for bands and dj's but what about the kids that want to do cabaret ot theatre? Surely we can't go on losing them to other countries when they are so good. I think if people went along to some of the talent quests and saw whats out there they would be very surprised by the standard of some of these young people.
I don't believe for a minute that the big clubs can't afford to do something to promote these artists. They must be making a fortune from poker machines and they just keep hiring the same old 2nd rate acts that have been around forever. WHY?
Is there some old entertainers mafia we dont know about? They shouldn't treat audiences, even old people, like idiots that will watch and enjoy any old crap that's put in front of them because they don't want to spend any of their pokie profits on getting a really good standard of shows in Australia going. Surely if they spent some of their dollars on TV advertising and promoted the hell out of these young people there would be an audience for the shows, after all people don't know how great these kids are if they dont see them!! So in closing I say, agents and clubs get your shit together and rejuvinate the industry. IT'S TIME.

WOMEN...OUR BLOOD FLOWS THROUGH EVERY MAN

We are your mothers , your sister's your babies, your wives, your friends and our blood does flow through every man !!! There has been so much attention given to the story of Rhainna and domestic abuse lately and a lot of anger directed to her partner, and now towards her for her decision to stay with him. I totally agree with all the voices out there shouting out "don't teach our daughter's this is okay", while at the same time thinking she is still a person who deserves a bit of privacy while she contemplates her future. But I am so very sick of a society that allows women to be disrespected, smashed back down every time they try and rise up, and the humiliating way some of us are treated by men. Why do we allow ourselves to be treated this way? In every society around the world in many different ways, it is obvious to me that even though the customs may be different, the thoughts of many men are the same, to keep women in thier place whatever it takes. I am not a manhater, I am not a lesbian (thats usually a man's first line of defence if you dare attack them) but I do think that the treatment of women is getting worse and men need to acknowledge this instead of being defensive. Maybe then we can make some progress. Men, we need your help. We need you to know that being your equal is not a threat, that killing and maiming us will not make us love you more, that every time you heap physical or verbal abuse on us, you are also heaping it on your babies, and we need your respect. I have seen my own mother beaten down with vicious words so nasty any intelligence or wisdom she possessed was kept to herself. I have stood by and watched silently as my friends have been humiliated in front of people by the men who are supposed to love them, because they dared offer an opinion that might make more sense than the one offered by thier partner. Not long ago while trying to have an intelligent conversation with the partner of someone close about men that kill thier children I was angrily told "women drive men to it". To me this was the most childish, unintelligent reasoning I had ever heard, I was and still am apalled. To me this is nothing but an act of spit and hate, another tantrum if you will, because men can't have the woman they want they will hurt her by taking the things they value the most, thier children.Abuse in Australia is now out of control and apparently in America the same thing is happening. 1 out of 4 women are being abused in some way . 1 OUT OF 4.......that's outrageous. What or who gives men the right to treat us this way ?.Themselves, that's who !! Are they so threatened by women that control and abuse is the only way can live with a female. Doesn't that prove that women have brilliant potential....or why else would men be so threatened by us? It is disgusting that a mother is left cowering in a corner in front of her children, that young girls have thier clitoris cut out because men don't want them to enjoy sex, that girls are not allowed to get an education in some parts of the world, that females are raped and that we are held in such low esteem by males. And then we have the world's press clamouring over bimbos like Paris Hilton who offer's our girls nothing but cheapness and stupidity. Girl's this is NOT what being a woman is about !!!! As for men......being a man shold be about the size of your heart not your penis, the compassion you have for humanity, and the maturity to accept what you cannot change.....not to smash down everything you are supposed to love because that's how you keep control.

GIVE ME A PAINTBRUSH AND A SLICE OF BREAD

I am convinced that the workers of the world are a lot more intelligent than the idiots that run a lot of companies nowadays. Why oh why do we have so many ridiculous requirements and conditions to apply for what should be a simple process?
I have spent the last month looking for a new job, and am amazed and very amused by the job descriptions I am coming across. Being of reasonable intelligence and average looking I assumed it would not be to hard to find another job. WRONG.If I had all the things they require in some of the job descriptions I would be ruling a country not serving a customer !! It either makes me go into hysterical laughter of enrages me when I read some of the job ads.
For example: Did you know that making sandwiches (which is something every mother has been doing for years) has now been renamed. Yes my friends, you are now a SANDWICH ARTIST. Give me a break, I want to make a sandwich for someone not PAINT it !!And then of course you have to have your personality assessed to see if your an axe murderer or not, and stand in front of a panel of strangers just so they can watch you shake in fear of their judgement. And then of course you have to look like a goddess to get the job and be perfectly groomed for the packing job in the factory you are applying for.
Oh and I nearly forget one of the best things about applying for the little job that will put a few hundred dollars in your pocket every week to pay your rent, you have to have a day of fun and games and speak in front of a room full of people you have never seen before so they get to know a little bit about you ! What a load of crap.
I applied for a job on a cash register in a fruit market and they wanted me to spend one of my days doing this. This particular little folly they impose on everyone really makes me angry. What if like me, you have a real fear of public speaking? Why are people who just want to serve a customer in a fruit shop made to go through this pointless excercise? I have a brain, dress well and can converse with people one on one great, so why can't I just be interviewed?
It seems to me that the job industry has become just like the entertainment industry, all about the presentation and not the substance. I know I can do these bloody jobs, unlike some of the morons that make up these stupid rules, so give me the bloody job and find out you idiots. And then of course we have the absolutley ridiculous titles these leaders of industry have given to what used to be a simple job title. Did you know that a window tinter is really a "SOLAR CONTROL TECHNITIAN or RADIATION CONTROL ENGINEER. A dishwasher now becomes an "underwater ceramics technitian"! If you decide to be a receptionist this could be your new title "Director of First Impressions" - I kid you not.....Some more wonderful careers you may want to consider -HOUSEWIFE -domestive surveilance engineer - ON THE DOLE- public funds economist -GARBO - waste disposal engineer . Get off your high horses management and stop being so ridiculous

WIVES AND LOVERS (NOT)

As an avid lover of burt bacharach I have always just automatically sung along to all his songs, and after recently seeing him at the Sydney Opera House it comfirmed my opinion that he is one of the most brilliant songwriters of our time.
BUT........... I was sitting at home the other day and my son needed to listen to a CD I had for one of his shows, so out came the CD and we sat listening to the songs, and about 4 songs in came this little gem. Wives and lovers, ever heard it? No I mean really heard it? I actually think it's one of those songs that are so daggy their fantastic!
Well half way into the song my son started laughing and saying he couldn't believe the lyrics so I took note and really listened. It's an outrage I say! Can you believe this is how women once were thought about, and even worse stupid women allowed it! And so I have put the lyrics here for you to read and I will translate them for you.
I still love Burt and I still believe he is brilliant, and I hate to admit it but I still really like this daggy song, but it must be one of the most chauvinistic songs I have ever heard.
These kind of men must shake in their boots when they meet women like me!

WIVES AND LOVERS
(Burt Bacharach & Hal David)
Hey! Little GirlComb your hair, fix your makeup - TRANSLATION (you look like shit)
Soon he will open the door, don't think because there's a ring on your finger you needn't try anymore - TRANSLATION (your fat and ugly and I'm leaving)
For wives should always be lovers too - TRANSLATION (I want sex)

Run to his arms the moment he comes home to you
I'm warning you... - TRANSLATION (Get on the bed or I'll hit you)

Day after dayThere are girls at the office - TRANSLATION - (I'm dying to get into their pants)
And men will always be men - TRANSLATION - ( we will always be selfish fuckers)
Don't send him off with your hair still in curlers, you may not see him again - TRANSLATION - (I'll be back when you look human)
For wives should always be lovers too run to his arms the moment he comes home to you - TRANSLATION - (fall at his dirty feet)

He's almost here... - TRANSLATION - ( with a roaring hard on)

Hey! Little girlBetter wear something pretty - TRANSLATION - ( put on those crutchless knickers)
Something you'd wear to go to the city and dim all the lights, pour the wine, start the music time to get ready for love - TRANSLATION - (I want a root!)
Time to get ready, time to get ready for love.


Well girls, better curl your hair and put your makeup to make sure he is not at the office fucking the filing clerk!! What a song, it just shows the intellect of the other sex.

LARDARSE

I admit, I am a mean mean bitch.
I am sitting here watching a T.V. show about a 29 year old morbidly obese woman who weighed 900 pounds!! 900 BLOODY POUNDS. She has used every excuse in the book while telling her story, you know the usual ones like I don't eat that much. BULLSHIT I SAY.
I have always been on the large side, and I love my food. I like to eat and so does every other bloody fat person out there, I don't care what they say. The amount of people who probably have medical reasons for being so fat that whales would find them attractive, is probably only about 5 percent. I am being told by this holier than thou commentator I should feel sorry for this freak show in a bed, why?
She has two lovely children who have to fend for themselves while the neighborhood gather around this circus tent and give her daily hose down, sorry but I'm disgusted. The doctor lifted up her twenty stomachs to put some cream on her and she had big black patches of flesh in between all the rolls of fat. And while everybody waits on her hand and foot she's saying that sometimes she has to chase the men away. DELUSIONAL. I saw her thighs when they lifted her sheet up and there is no way you could find anything in there!!
I'm telling you this woman was a carton of sausages with a head. I don't think her necks seen the light of day for 10 years, her vocal chords must be slowly getting crushed to death. I feel compassion for people with parkinsons disease, cancer, ill children and old people among many other things, but I cant feel sympathy for a person who has a factory food process line attached to her mouth. She did it herself and then the world has to look after her because she can't so anything else but roll!!
She lays naked in bed every day with her stumps attached to a laptop telling the world to donate money to people like her so they can have operations to cut all the fat off, while people don't have enough money to take their kids to a specialist so they can get treatment for cancer, fuck off. Well if you lay in bed for ten years, eat forty meals a day and can't even find your arse to wipe it, don't you think you would do something about it before it got to that stage?
I'll save my money and sympathy for people who really are sick through no fault of their own.

BAN THE BOOM BOOM

Who are the neanderthals that have proclaimed themselves the god's of music?? Why does everyone have to be punished with thier BOOM BOOM (Or bass as intelligent people know it )music??Has thier brain been so very damaged by the pulsating Boom Boom that they can't tell the difference between REAL music and a thud that is sooo loud it causes heart palpitations? Could it be the younger generation (MORONS) have come up with a way of getting rid of the oldies by causing heart failure on a massive scale??Is good music not good music when it is played at an intelligent level? It definately is NOT good music when the boom boom is played so loud it drowns out every other instrument. What is the point? Why not just hit themselves continually over thier empty little heads repeatedly and dance to the echo??

MORONS

The idiot that lives behind us waits until 7PM every night and then decides it's time to kill a few more brain cells by bassing himself to death. It aggravates me to the point where I want to go on a diet just so I can jump the fence and pull his ugly little ears off!!!!

And then of course we have the one cell animals (teenage boys) that society has to suffe,r that think it makes them look like men to drive at the speed of light while playing thier Boom Boom so frigging loud it vibrates every thing it passes on thier way to the city of stupidity !!!Everybody give a clap for the cretins

What these puny little wanna be's don't realise is that the rest of the population thinks they are DICKWADS !!!I want to form a oldie posse....round up the dickwad boom boom people who do not have a musical bone in thier underdeveloped bodies.....and tie them to a pole in the middle of a public square. Then said cretins would have to listen...at full blast...for 4 hours or until we break them......ABBA......BEETHOVEN......THE BAYCITY ROLLERS......HELEN REDDY and every other bit of music that will make them squirm with pain and cry for mercy.Anybody with me here.

THE MOTHER OF INVENTION

My mother has never had money but she always found a way to scratch by, even if it meant everybody else thought her a ideas were a bit errrr.......NUTS.She has also had to find different ways to keep a roof over our heads and sometimes that involved using a bit of inguenity and lying. Over the years she has opened many many bank accounts in every name imaginable so that she could get credit when she needed to. As a result of this she probably has about 5 different identities. When she dies we will have to buy 5 different burial plots and then figure out which one to put her in !!!!Talk about organised crime. We figure either she will end up in an old people's home or in geriatric lockdown in jail. It's a nightmare when we need to ring her at work, the phone rings, someone answers with "can I help you" and you realise you don't know who to ask for. And then there is the "walkabout" she does on a regular basis. While others frantically call the police when the older people in the family go missing we always know where to find her. Our search party need look no further than the local TAB, there she will be perched on a stool in front of a TV watching the horseraces and flicking through her mountian of tickets trying to see if she has won her first million.And let's talk about improvising shall we? Mum has always loved working in her garden when she is not betting on a horse. Years ago mum decided to dig up half the back yard because she just had to have a fish pond (the beginning of her pond empire) and then carefully lowering an old bathtub into the crater that she had created, then realising of course "we need fish".Now most people would go to a pet shop but not Ma Baker.....it was much easier to carry a plastic bag with her and knock off a few from front yards on her way home from work one night. This has become an obsession...we now have 4 ponds (at last count) and a population of fish and frogs to rival the Amazon.By far the biggest legacy my mother will leave me is to make sure you plan where to plant your trees. Let me explain. Don't ever think a tree is so very pretty you just have to have it, and then proceed to plop it into the first bit of dirt you see. There was a twig that took mum's fancy years ago, she planted it, it grew out instead of up, and now everytime I have to walk up the backyard it reaches over and tries to poke both my eyes out !!!!And then we have the wonderful palm tree that she planted right near the bottom step of the back verandah as a cute little clump. Why did she not realise that it would grow 20 feet tall and house evil bats. They sit in the murderous tree and use me as target practice with the nuts they pick off the top of the tree if I dare walk underneath it. "CHEEKY". And then the littlest sibling decided that because the murderous tree was now a very big problem she would help out by pouring a chemical strong enough to use in a nucleur war over the tree. Well done...it worked....but it is dying from the top down !!!!! I was nearly beheaded the other day by a falling branch big enought to cover up my very big self.The bat's are pissed off and the tree is trying to kill me !!!!So in rounding out this tribute to the many idenities that are my mother here are a few of her famous homemaking tips for you out there...Want a new sofa but money's short? No worries, just saw it in half and there you have it...two new chairs (yes she really did saw a lounge in half).Help out the wildlife. Take in a feral cat, love it to death...even if it rips the ankles out of the rest of the family ( we all bear the scars of her much loved pussy cat)Always have a roll of chicken wire handy. Need an attractive new fence? Get out the chicken wire.Need a new gate? Get out the chicken wire.Want a playpen for the kids? Chicken wire again.Yes life's an adventure with the "Einstien of home improvement". If ever I have my own home the fences will be made of wood and the back yard will be a sea of green........AND NOTHING ELSE.

GRUMPY OLD WOMEN

We have a program over here called grumpy old women. It’s basically celebrities having a bitch session about middle age and it’s very funny. Of course it’s a british show, they really know how to do these kind of shows better than anyone else. It’s great listening to someone with a really posh accent talking about really outrageous things, it seems to make it even funnier.Tonight’s episode had some very well known women talking about the physical effects of growing older and it was a relief to hear people talking about such personal things out loud.The first subject they tackled tonight was the bristles that suddenly appear on a woman’s chin seemingly overnight. You go to bed smooth and soft like a woman should be, and you wake up in the morning with fisherman’s wire attached to the bottom of your face!WHAT HAPPENED? I was so relieved to know it wasn’t just happening to me. I mean when you all of a sudden start growing a beard it can be quite unnerving. So what to do? Do I fight my son in the morning to be the first to have a shave? Should I just leave them and hope the sunlight doesn’t hit them? I never knew body hair could be so tough! I reckon they could hold the weight of a very large human and not snap.So the next subject they discussed was anger and mood swings. One of the ladies had me in hysterics. She was waiting at the bus stop with a line up of other would be passengers, and the bus was late. The later the bus was, the more angry she became until eventually she kicked the glass bus depot and then sat in the gutter and cried. The people around her backed away in terror and she missed the bus! I know how she feels. There are some days when I walk up the street and just want to hit someone because their ugly, others when I cry because their ugly! Mental I know but it keeps life interesting.And so on to next subject. Underwear. Granny undies to be precise. How great are these undies when you reach a certain age and everything needs to be gathered up and tucked in. Some of these ladies had tried thongs but the result was less than desirable. One thing I haven’t yet experienced in my life as yet is chaffing of the arsehole, but a couple of these women had, my god how I laughed. So their advice was get some control briefs and they put everything back where it’s supposed to be!Not pretty I know but after all, there is probably not going to be a lot lot of men rushing to tear your clothes off.And then came the subject that really cracked me up. Pubic hair, or lack of it. Here we have a world full of young women paying someone to rip the hair off their fannies (I’d rather give birth) and these women were saying how theirs is just dissappearing, and they want to know where it went!!! One woman said that she imagines when she goes to sleep it slowly creeps upwards and settles on her chin. That’s why the hair on our chin’s is so course, it’s really pubic hair. So does that mean if I sleep with my hand on my fanny every night I can stop the little buggers from escaping?And so the last subject was what they look like in the morning after being asleep for eight hours and all the loose flesh on their faces has settled overnight and they have to sit upright for an hour in a chair for it all to sink back into place. What happen’s overnight? I wake up in the morning and my eyes have disappeared, I look like a sharpei. I can’t go out in public until 10a.m. and my face has gone through it’s metamorphis and the skin has shrunken back to where it should be.And so, if you find one day you are bald where you never thought you would be, you kick the nieghbors little dog and then cry over it, you wake up looking worse than quasimodo and you need undies that reach up to your boobs and down to your knees so nothing falls out while you are walking, don’t sweat it, there are others like you out there and we are speaking out!

IT'S ABOUT TIME

Yesterday I went to watch my son perform in a show at one of the many clubs in sydney and he was of course BRILLIANT!!
There were three acts and he was the first performer, and after he was finished the next act was introduced and wheeled on stage. Ever watch someone so bad you would rather poke both your eyes out than be watching the show. When are the people that book the acts for these places going to give the younger entertainers a fair go and give them a decent amount of work! I have seen so many fantastic young performers over the last few years and they need to be seen. I know that the older entertainers need work as well but they have also had many years of work out of a small industry and its time to showcase some of the younger talent we have in this country.
Yes there is a healthy live scene in Sydney for bands and dj's but what about the kids that want to do cabaret ot theatre? Surely we cant go on losing them to other countries when they are so good. I think if people went along to some of the talent quests and saw whats out there they would be very surprised by the standard of some of these young people.
I don't believe for a minute that the big clubs cant afford to do something to promote these artists. They must be making a fortune from poker machines and they just keep hiring the same old 2nd rate acts that have been around forever. WHY?
Is there some old entertainers mafia we dont know about? They shouldn't treat audiences, even old people like idiots that will watch and enjoy any old crap that's put in front of them because they dont want to spend any of their pokie profits on getting a really good standard of shows in Australia going. Surely if they spent some of their dollars on tv advertising and promoted the hell out of these young people there would be an audience for the shows, after all people dont know how great these kids are if they dont see them!! So in closing I say, agents and clubs get your shit together and rejuvinate the industry. IT'S TIME.

PLUG YOURSELF IN

I think my most cherished possesion would have to be my mp3 player. Last week I had to do a lot of walking and so I put some new songs on my player and away I went. I got up, got dressed and plugged myself in to my music. What joy I feel when the music invades my head. I started out strutting along to the drums of Cloudbusting by Kate Bush who is always a revelation to me. Then the song finished and the smooth sounds of Marving Gaye and "Let's Get it On" crooned through my body, as I slowed from a fast march and found myself gliding along and soothed by his voice. I always feel like the notes are dancing through me when I block out the world and plug my ears in to my wonderful music. It's my release from the world when it gets to harsh. And so I continue along and the beautiful, beautiful song "This House is Empty Now" by Elvis Costello and Burt Bacarach fills my ears, if you have never heard this album "Painted From Memory" you need to. It is one of the best albums I have ever heard, two genuises together. The next selection is just for fun, "Spirit In the Sky" and I have to stop myself from singing and dancing in the street with strangers all around me. Oh how I would love to just sing out loud and break into a mad dance just to see the looks on thier faces, but I just speed up my steps and move my head in time to the beat and keep my enjoyment my little secret. I near my destination and I slow down because I don't want to turn my little happy machine off. I would rather spend my day lost in these wonderful sounds that sink into my bones than listen to the bullshit people want to throw at me in some meaningless conversation. And so I enjoy one last song before returning to the real world, what should I listen to out of my songs? I choose the bluesy voice of Joe Cocker, I love the voice and I just love his old stuff, Darling be Home Soon, Feeling Alright, Deta Lady, I Stand in Wonder !!
I can never understand people who don't just love music, any kind of music, I just don't get them at all. To me it's as essential as food or air. So if you haven't got an Ipod or MP3 player get one now and plug yourself in to the music, you will get so much enjoyment out of it.

ENOUGH !!!

Every day I open a newspaper and am riddled with guilt. Every night I watch the news and some more guilt and shame is hammered upon me. Why you ask? Because according to the government, the fashion police, the do gooders, interfering state politicians and nearly everybody else that thinks they are a shining example to the rest of us ignorant people we are destroying ourselves with food, smoking, drinking and everything else that they can think of.
Now I am not totally stupid and neither are the rest of the population, but I am bloody sick of people telling me how to live. It has gone too far in my opinion. In fact I am at the stage now where I have regressed to my rebellious teenage years, and the more they hark at me like I am some disgusting child who needs a good talking down to, the more I will go the other way just out of spite !! I don't want to be some 80 year old nanna with a shiny complexion and running around the block in beige lycra. Do you hear me you bunch of big brother's?
We have all gone mad, what is a life if not to be lived? Peanut Butter might give me cancer but I like it !! If I duck into a quite corner away from everyone outside to smoke a cigarette (and I know this will horrify all you paragons of perfection, but I like smoking) unless I am blowing it in your face, mind your own bloody business. And before you say I am harming you, think about the hundreds of cars that are going past you with their fumes as you watch me in disgust. I know how harmful smoking is and I get all the messages, but I haven't got leprosy and I am sick of being treated worse than a pedophile. I also get the argument about how much we cost the health system, but was outraged the other day when some goose suggested smokers should just be denied medical treatment or be put right at the bottom of every waiting list in the land if they are sick. Well now, listen to this you bunch of righteous soap boxers, have you taken any notice of the tax smokers pay on every packet of cigarettes. If you add it up over twenty or thirty years we have just about paid for our medical treatment out of our own pockets anyway ! When the rest of the community get ill you don't hear us saying don't treat them they don't deserve it !!
As for drinking alcohol, I agree it is a massive problem. But it was always going to lead our younger people down the road they are on now. What do people expect when we have a yobbo mentality that has been passed down by us, you have to get pissed to be an Aussie.
At a certain age drinking is a choice people make, you can either drink and be responsible or drink to excess and behave like an animal and look like an idiot, but it is a choice.
As for being overweight and controlling our diets, butt out!! I also agree it is a problem and there are a lot of overweight people including me, but it sounds so bloody boring being super healthy I think I will go and have a piece of chocolate.
We must not go in the sun in case we wrinkle to early, if you feel sad sometimes, surely you are suffering depression ( I am not in any way making fun of people who really suffer depression), don't put salt on your food even if it tastes like a boot, only select a couple of friends to have the occasional talk to on your mobile just in case you develop a tumour, everything you cook should be boiled and white, don't wear high heels because they might put your back out, make sure teacher's, policeman and every other figure of authority in our lives is not allowed to shout at us in case they hurt our feelings !!! GO AWAY.
It is all starting to seem a bit sinister to me, why do people want total control over everything we do? Are our lives not our lives any more? Has George Orwell's Big Brother come true? You might think I am an idiot, but I have lived for half a century and if only I could take you back to the freedom we had growing up. All these rules that are good for us are destroying us.
There is a great show on the ABC I watch called Grumpy Old Men. One episode I recently watched was British celebrities talking about how ridiculous Britain has become because of all the rules controlling everyone's lives and how insidious these rules and regulations are. One of the grumpy old men they interviewed was Rick Wakeman who is very funny, and the last comment he made before the show finished was "when I wake up in the morning I sit by the phone and wait for the government to ring and tell me what time I can have my first shit of the day".
I think as a society we do need to be informed, educated (a must) and taught lessons from our past mistakes, but there has to be a happy medium, at the moment people just shove their opinions down our throats and we are expected to behave like good little children.
Well not me buddy, I am walking away to live my life the way I want, even if it's not for very long. And if you watch me close enough as I walk away to live my life, you will see two fingers in the air saying "UP YOURS"

DAMIEN THE OMEN RAT

Have you ever had one of your greatest fears come true? Well I did this weekend and I am proud to say I have survived. My cousin, her husband and I decided to go along and see my son perform in one of his shows, so we preened ourselves (because of course, everyone in the place would be looking at us) and prepared for a night out. As well as going to see one of the greatest singers in the country (my boy) entertain everyone, I was looking forward to seeing the stunned expressions on people's faces when I dazzled them with my new hairstyle. Of course I knew how great I looked but I needed to share it with everbody else.
As we all left the house and headed out through the garage her lovely hubby turned to me and says "the light in here is not working and watch out for the rat". THE RAT.
Oh my god, panic set in and I started to sweat, my nerve endings felt like they were on fire and I heard my brain saying to me in a loud voice "Run for your life". One of my biggest fears are these creatures of the devil, these furry little animals from the depths of hell.
The lovely hubby then starts to giggle devishly and informs me he is having a joke, that there was a rat but being the he-man that he is, the rat has been disposed of. Oh the relief, I could stop holding my breath, and nightmare visions of the evil rat eating my feet as I tiptoed across the dark garage slowly disappeared. And so we all climb in the car with hubby in the back seat where hubbies belong and merrily go on our way.
The show is fantastic and after I have dazzled everyone with my golden locks and flawless face it is time to put hubby in the back seat and go home. We all sit and chat for a while over coffee when we arrive home and after a while cousin and lovely hubby retire upstairs to their marital bed and I settle down with the laptop to write illuminating stuff on my space and send messages to my friends around the globe, AND THEN............I see something out of the corner of my pretty blue eyes !! Ir can't be true.........I can't bear to look but I know I have to, IT'S MY NIGHTMARE COME TRUE...............the evil one is here in my presence and he is gazing at me with hungry eyes, it's a rat !!!!!!
Cousin and lovely hubby are sound asleep, there is no one to save me, what am I to do? I jump on the chair quicker than an olympic pole vaulter and try to scream, but no sound comes out. The evil one disappears underneath the lounge and I cover my eyes in terror, then I jump off the chair and run faster than I have run in twenty years and hide myself in the toilet. I know I can't stay in here all night, I do consider making myself comfortable on the toilet seat for the night but it's bloody cold and I don't want cousin or lovely hubby to find me frozen and terrified on their good porcelain first thing in the morning. And so I weigh up my options, I can't stay in here so I run back to the chair and stand on it in utter fear while scanning the room for the furry one. I can't see him. Is he in hiding waiting for me to turn my back and then he will launch himself at me and chew on my ankles? All of a sudden I have a realisation, the door to the guest bedroom is open and Damien the Omen rat might be in there. By this time it's 2 on the morning and I am very tired, but do I brave the bedroom and try and get some sleep, NO I do not. I sit on that chair for the next three hours to bloody terrified to move !! Do you believe it? By three thirty in the morning my backside is in agony, I am certain I am going to develop variciose veins in my bum because the blood supply has been cut off. I keep nodding off in between talking to myself, every five minutes I find myself muttering "I am going to have a heart attack"
After four hours of panic attacks and numb bum I finally give in to exhaustion and brave the bedroom, but before I go to sleep I say my prayers and stuff anyrhing within reach underneath the door because I know that Damien The Omen rat is out there looking for fresh meat. When I finally awaken at one thirty in the afternoon the next day and face cousin and the lovely hubby they look at me with concern, apparentley they thought I might be dead because I hadn't awoken earloer and blessed them with my presence. When I tell them why there are clothes stuffed underneath their guestroom door and why I have arisen half way through the day they find it very amusing. I am so glad I have brightened up their day !! But I am very impressed with my valour, I braved a night of terror and survived. Yes folks I have lived to tell the tale of Damian The Omen Rat and with any luck the ratsack that has been served to him for his last meal will do it's work and he will return to the depth's of hell from whence he came.

HMMM.......INTERESTING

Can you truly say you already know everything you need to know? Well think again, here are a few facts you just have to know if you are going to function in today's world

For instance did you know that Iguanas can and do commit suicide? Bet this little fact is going to improve your life !!

And then there is this one. When a horned toad is angry it squirt's blood from it's eyes ! Gives a new meaning to seeing red doesn't it?

A giraffe's erect penis is 4 foot long. So ladies next time you your man is bragging about his manhood show him this little fact to shut him up.

83 per cent of people hit by lightening are men. Now who doubts that god is a woman?

The largest cell in the human body is the ovum, the smallest is the sperm. I am wondering if there is any link to the size of our brains?

The average dairy cow produces 4 times it's weight in manure each year. So ladies throw away those diet pills, you now know what you have to do to get that weight off.

Mucophagy is the medical term for 'snot eating', the consumption of nasal mucus from nose picking. So now all the men who pick their noses while sitting next to me on a train have a medical excuse.

It is estimated that at any one time 0.7 per cent of the world's population is intoxicated. (and I'm thinking that 0.6 per cent of these people are Australians).

90 per cent of movies released in the United States are porn movies. Ahh… Another bit of American culture they can be proud of.

40 per cent of people who come to a party in your home will have a look in your medicine cabinet. In other words remember to hide your viagra and chocolate flavoured condoms.

The largest toy distributor in the world is McDonalds. Isn't it heartwarming to know that as well as looking after our kids health they also look after their leisure time.

A brain uses less power than a 100-watt light bulb. In men's cases that would be a 25-watt light bulb.

And for the final inspiring little fact there is this piece of information. Before 1800 there was no such thing as separate shoes for left and right feet. Maybe this is where Monty Python got the inspiration for their silly walk?