THE FUNNY SIDE OF MENTAL

For all of you out there who think that there is not a funny side to being nuts let me assure you there is. All my life I have been extremely anxious but about ten years ago I really went out of my tree. I started having panic attacks with ever increasing frequency until I was just one big ball of anxiety. Now at the time it wasn't funny but a friend and I were in hysterics on the weekend talking about the insanity that was me. She stuck through it all with me and on many an occasions would drive me to the doctor's because I swore the pain in my head was a massive brain tumour and I could drop dead at any given moment.
On one particular occasion I was on my way to work and decided that because I had not been to the loo in quite a few days I MUST have bowel cancer, so off I went to the hospital and demanded that they give me all the tests required to tell me I was dying and I would never shit normally again,. Instead they gave me an enema!! How embarrassing.....I lost more wieght in the next two days than a year of dieting could have done.
Then there was the episode of the Fistula. Now don't worry if you have no idea what this medical term means, I had no idea either.....but I just knew it was going to kill me. I sat in my doctor's office while he told me maybe that could be the cause of my ongoing hypercondria (not sure if the spellings right!!) and of course I instantly went into panic mode. I jumped up and ran out the door flying home to inform my mother that my fistula was going to kill me and there was nothing they could do. Of course while running down the street with my eyeballs popping out of my head and tears rolling down my rosy red cheeks every mother in the street pushed thier children behind them to protect them from the mad woman coming towards them.
You know it would not have mattered if the doctor had told me I had halitosis, I would have screamed out in despair "help me ..my hali's got a disease and I am not long for this world".And my poor son, I think I drove him insane as well because he had to live with the lobotomy that used to be his mother. One night we went shopping and while wheeling a shopping trolley around amongst hordes of the sane I thought I was going to pass out. I told him "quick, stand perfectly still because I am going to faint and I need to hold on to the trolley for a minute to keep me upright". Well I didn't faint, but he nearly did., I mean what could he have done if I passed out anyway? Run to the Butcher's and screamed "please help me, there is a big slab of meat lying on the floor and I need you to help me put it in the trolley"!!
I couldn't even manage to walk up the street without thinking I was going to have a major heart attack and die in the street like a hobo. I hid in phone boxes if I saw a dog because I was certain it was going to chew my leg off, I took myself off to hospital numerous time with chest pains.......I think I must have had about nine heart attacks in the space of a few months. I shouted at the doctor that it wasn't in my head and I was dying of something but he was just too stupid to find out what. How that doctor suffered...and of course there was the episode where he insisted I have a cancer smear and then could not find my cervix!!!!
It was there but because of previous operations covered by scar tissue. But in my mind it had been consumed by the cervical cancer I KNEW I had and that's why he couldn't find the dear little thing. Well I am almost sane again and it took a long time but after taking insanity pills for a few years and the doctor finally convincing me that I had one of the best imaginations he had ever come across.
I am better at last, well sort of...I am still a bit nuts but I actually think the insanity that still lives in me was there at birth and not much can be done about it.

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