I'M GOING TO BURN YOUR DRESS !!!

I realise that in today's politically correct world we are supposed to deal with children in an intelligent understanding manner. But sometimes, just sometimes, I slip back in to prehistoric mode and let loose and say things (on second thought make that scream things) that will probably leave permanent scars.I spent yesterday looking after my five year old niece and now I think I need two weeks in a rest home. Yes my friends, this tiny little scrap of a person got the better of me. She looks so lovely and then she opens her mouth and the charade is over. As long as she goes through life with her mouth shut she will do just fine. I actually think the family is all going to put their hands in their pocket's so we can hire an exorcist for this dear little demon from hell.

I swear this child takes speed before very meal. She can outrun me,outshout me and comes up with more one liners than Billy Connolly. I try so hard to be a good Aunt who spends quality time doing crafts and educational pastimes with her, but I gave up when she painted the dog and stapled the cat. I just looked my poor animals in the eye with a knowing look that said "yes, I do think it's time for a priest".

I even went out and brought this child of satan a fairy outfit with a wand, wings and a halo of flowers, and she pranced around in it all day while hitting other children with the wand and trying to cast wicked spells on the family. Everything I asked her to do was met with crossed arms and a loud NO. The tantrums were so frequent and so disturbing by the end of the day the panadol supply had run out (for me not her). Drugs, you'd need a whole pharmacy to cope with this kid.

Finally my hours of torture were over and it was time for bed, but do you think she would take the fairy dress off? Of course not. I tried asking nicely, I tried blackmail, I tried begging on my knees and ending up with no dignity whatsoever finally.....I'm ashamed to admit......I lost it.I screamed in full operatic voice 'I'M GOING TO BURN YOUR DRESS".There was stunned silence from everyone. My mother was appalled and my son was rolling around on the lounge in hysterics because he couldn't believe I had threatened a five year old, and my niece, well she just looked at me with a grin on her face and said "get lost".And so Isobelle (who shall now be known as Regan) went to bed with a smile on her little face and her fairy dress intact and I got out the "good parenting" book.

I HEAR HIM STILL

I have just spent the afternoon watching The Phantom of The Opera. For others this may well be just another movie but for me, it brings tears to my eyes.I hear the music and it brings back the most wonderful memories of my life. Years ago my mother was sitting at her piano and manged to get my little boy to sing her a song. Some time after she came to me and said "you have to take him along to singing lessons, he has a beautiful voice". So along we went to the first of many lessons. This shy little roly poly boy had the voice of an angel that entranced everyone who heard it.I remember the pride I felt when he first sang in front of an audience. He was so scared and thier was an audience of about 800 people, but out he came, a little boy of nine in the middle of a huge stage, he opened his mouth and sang "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" in his soprano voice and the whole room went silent. I was so happy for him. For years he had been make a target by the "popular" kids at school, and made to feel like he was nothing. Well he was something, he outshone them all.

It was the start of many performances, many awards and years of me sitting in the audience knowing that this gentle boy was something special. And then came "Phantom". I took him along to see the show and it sank into his soul. He constantly listened to the soundtrack and learned every song. He sang the songs at home all the time, and eventually was confident enough to try them in fornt of an audience. I wish more than anything you could all have heard him sing "Music Of The Night". He didn't need the props, he didn't need a mask, he just stood on that stage and commanded everyone's attention. It was the most wonderful thing I had ever heard, and Evan never knew that every time he sang it I would be in my seat with tears in my eyes. I can still hear him singing that song.As you all probably know, Evan is now the singer of a jazz band "The Velvet Set", and they are fantastic. He is professional, polished and confident in his singing, but the memory of that dear little roly poly boy is so precious to me.I hope that if as I get older and loose my memory, if everything else vanishes from my mind, the sound and vision of Evan singing "Music Of The Night" is the very last memory I have, and I will probably still fill up at the thought of it.

YOU CAN'T CURE WHAT ISN'T A DISEASE

This morning I awoke to another sleazy message from yet another penis obsessed male of the species. What possesses these cave men to write suggestive messages to women they haven't even seen ? Oh wait...I know the answer to that one, the brain that lives in thier trousers.Fucking idiots !!! And men think women are dumb!!!I am no oil painting but I wouldn't lower myself to proposition a man, because to me life is not just about getting my rocks off. If it was then these morons would have come out of thier mother's womb as an 8 pound penis with legs and arms. I value myself far to much to EVER want to get to know these pathetic scrotums.And so after blocking this fool that probably writes these messages with the end of his dick, I sat down to watch a bit of Dr Phil. Know what the subject was?A wife and husband who are on the brink of divorce because of his sex addiction. This piece of filth that she married went on to explain his "addiction". He exposes himself on public streets, he has sex with other men and then goes home and sleeps with his wife, he has arranged many, many sexual liasons with strange women over the years, and a lot of the sex was quite perverse. Then this disgusting loser goes on to say he made a porn clip in his little girl's bedroom !!He buys porn every day, watches porn every chance he can get, his whole existance revolves around the little pink thing in his pants. While explaining all the things he has done behind his wife's back he kept referring to himself as two people like this...."when my addiction was picking up men for oral sex"......"when my addiction was exposing himself". Bullshit I say. I don't believe for a minute people do anything depraved or illicit unless they want to. Everybody has a bloody excuse for unacceptable behaviour now, it is never their fault, it's thier addiction. Who teaches men that this is the way to behave? Why do they think that sex is everything, and everything else pales in comparison? I have no sympathy for him and his so called "disease". He is not under the influence of drugs when he makes his sicko movies, he is not drunk when he exposes his pathetic little member to others, he is not brain damaged and I don't believe in sex addiction.What I do believe is that there are a lot of bleeding hearts who these cretins take advantage of, what I do believe is that our morals have declined so much we make excuses for unacceptable behaviour, what I do believe is that men like these are perverts and nothing else.You know who the dumb women are? The idiots that stay with these dirtbags because "I LOVE HIM".

THE PRISONER

She is a mass of blonde curls
an abundance of giggles
a well of innocence
still unjaded and pure
a delight who delights
with unbridled joy
in everything around her

this is my prisoner
she is kept in my heart
under lock and key
and released to run wild inside me

so I never forget the joy of puppy breath
how to lose myself in a fairytale
to want Dorothy to find her way home
to let the giggles wash over me
even when trying to act “grown up”

Never to be released
she is my reminder of childhood
my leftovers of wonderment

copyrighted to

Gaye McInnes

THE FUNNY SIDE OF MENTAL

For all of you out there who think that there is not a funny side to being nuts let me assure you there is. All my life I have been extremely anxious but about ten years ago I really went out of my tree. I started having panic attacks with ever increasing frequency until I was just one big ball of anxiety. Now at the time it wasn't funny but a friend and I were in hysterics on the weekend talking about the insanity that was me. She stuck through it all with me and on many an occasions would drive me to the doctor's because I swore the pain in my head was a massive brain tumour and I could drop dead at any given moment.
On one particular occasion I was on my way to work and decided that because I had not been to the loo in quite a few days I MUST have bowel cancer, so off I went to the hospital and demanded that they give me all the tests required to tell me I was dying and I would never shit normally again,. Instead they gave me an enema!! How embarrassing.....I lost more wieght in the next two days than a year of dieting could have done.
Then there was the episode of the Fistula. Now don't worry if you have no idea what this medical term means, I had no idea either.....but I just knew it was going to kill me. I sat in my doctor's office while he told me maybe that could be the cause of my ongoing hypercondria (not sure if the spellings right!!) and of course I instantly went into panic mode. I jumped up and ran out the door flying home to inform my mother that my fistula was going to kill me and there was nothing they could do. Of course while running down the street with my eyeballs popping out of my head and tears rolling down my rosy red cheeks every mother in the street pushed thier children behind them to protect them from the mad woman coming towards them.
You know it would not have mattered if the doctor had told me I had halitosis, I would have screamed out in despair "help me ..my hali's got a disease and I am not long for this world".And my poor son, I think I drove him insane as well because he had to live with the lobotomy that used to be his mother. One night we went shopping and while wheeling a shopping trolley around amongst hordes of the sane I thought I was going to pass out. I told him "quick, stand perfectly still because I am going to faint and I need to hold on to the trolley for a minute to keep me upright". Well I didn't faint, but he nearly did., I mean what could he have done if I passed out anyway? Run to the Butcher's and screamed "please help me, there is a big slab of meat lying on the floor and I need you to help me put it in the trolley"!!
I couldn't even manage to walk up the street without thinking I was going to have a major heart attack and die in the street like a hobo. I hid in phone boxes if I saw a dog because I was certain it was going to chew my leg off, I took myself off to hospital numerous time with chest pains.......I think I must have had about nine heart attacks in the space of a few months. I shouted at the doctor that it wasn't in my head and I was dying of something but he was just too stupid to find out what. How that doctor suffered...and of course there was the episode where he insisted I have a cancer smear and then could not find my cervix!!!!
It was there but because of previous operations covered by scar tissue. But in my mind it had been consumed by the cervical cancer I KNEW I had and that's why he couldn't find the dear little thing. Well I am almost sane again and it took a long time but after taking insanity pills for a few years and the doctor finally convincing me that I had one of the best imaginations he had ever come across.
I am better at last, well sort of...I am still a bit nuts but I actually think the insanity that still lives in me was there at birth and not much can be done about it.

Currently reading:My Lobotomy

ONE MORE DAY

I read my friend Kyrenzas blog with much interest and some amazement tonight because what she wrote about was what I had been thinking about the last couple of days. I follow anything British, TV, celebrities, the Royal Family, comics....anything really. So I tend to know a lot of what is going on over there. Over the last few years there has been a young woman who has outraged some, offended others, entertained many and made a lot of very public mistakes to her own detriment. Jade Goody is her name and wether you love her or hate her she has had to face what no 27 year old should have to. Terminal cancer.I have followed her story with interest and curiosity at first, and as her cancer has progressed my interest has turned to compassion and sadness. Her journey has been filmed because she wants to leave enough money to provide for her two little boys, but it is so very personal and confronting to watch a yong person fade away from an illness that is so cruel. And in many pictures I have looked at there are the very sad eyes of her little ones staring back at me. She has been a loudmouth, abrasive, rude and offensive in the past BUT she is 27. Maybe she hasn't been a good example to the TV audience, and maybe she has made some horrendous choices and opened her mouth when she should have kept it shut, but I am a lot more offended by Paris Hilton, she has had all the advantages in life Jade Goody never had and still turned out a useless piece of fluff who brings nothing to the world (especially class).I guess what I am trying to put into words is that as I sat imagining what it must be like to be in your twenties and beg for one more day, to watch your babies play, to see your mum, to kiss the man you love, just one more day of a very young life.......it just struck me how sad this is.I watched a small piece of footage from the show that is being made about her struggle with cancer on U tube tonight and it made me cry. Maybe you don't like her, maybe you are just not interested but the horror and reality of this show may save your daughter's life. If one girl watches this and then goes along for her cancer smear then Jade Goody has done more in 27 years than I have in 52. I wish her calmness and I hope she is surrounded by love in her final days, she is much too young to have this happen to her in my opinion.This link to U Tube is a preview of the upcoming show that has followed her battle with cancer and it so very sad but maybe it will drive the message home to our girls, DON'T IGNORE YOUR HEALTH.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=krpFoZN8nSs

SUPERWOMAN AND HER SKINNY SIDEKICK

Okay if I haven't told you before how mental my family is, then let me tell you this little tale and I am sure you will need no further convincing. I rang the sister this morning and she told me a story about sweet niece that mortified me. Seems sister was in bed the other night snoring like a man (as usual) and about four in the morning she was woken by pathetic whining coming from the back yard. So she arose from her slumber, wiped the spittle from her mouth and plodded out to investigate. Said sister saw the family dog with his nose pushed up against the backyard fence looking out longingly towards the park, then sister noticed sweet nieces dog, {who is really a horse}was missing!

So sister goes inside to awaken sweet niece from slumber and inform her that horsedog is missing. Guess what? Sweet niece was missing. So okay the plot thickens. Sister then goes and looks over the fence to see sweet niece and horsedog hiding in some bushes stalking dickhead delinquents ,who apparently had thrown a brick in thier pool and were knocking on the laundry door, just basically behaving like the teenage dickheads that they are. So dickhead delinquents then see sweet niece and horsedog hiding ,and make a break for it. By this time the whole family is awake and sweet niece and horsedog return home to their loving family. Does she go back to bed? NO.

Sweet niece then grabs 11 year old nephew to be her skinny sidekick!WHY? So she jumps into her superhero four wheel drive with horsedog, skinny sidekick and turns into..............Wait for it..................REVENGEWOMAN.

Skinny sidekick tells sister later on that revengewoman sits behind the wheel of her superhero four wheel drive muttering "we are going to get those fuckers" CHARMING. She then proceeds to drive up on to the embankment onto the grass of the park turn on her high beam, {which shall now be known as super ray light weapon}and proceeds to try and run them over!!!!! Poor skinny sidekick must have been terrified. And dickhead delinquents apparently went screaming off into the blackness of night. Bet they never bother sweet niece again. Anyone in need of a hit man, I may just have the woman for you?